Me, Myself, and Ed
by ZephyrSamba
Summary: Part 10 (the epilogue) in! Picks up where the episode '3 Squares & an Ed' (where they all end up grounded) left off. Edd's 3 days are up, but his friends still have a few to go - what's a lone Ed-boy to do? And what are Ed and Eddy up to in the meantime?
1. The Edman of Alcatraz

"…_And for those formal affairs, a full-length toga is a fashionable yet sensible choice_…_Remember to bring an appropriate host gift; an amphora of fine Delian wine would certainly be.... _" Edd closed the book with a sigh. By the third read through in as many days, _Etiquette Protocols For The Athenian Aristocrat_ seemed less an influential masterpiece of a manners guide, and more a sterile, outdated text that failed to breathe the same degree of life and excitement into the subject that more modern publications did.

He skimmed over bookshelves that had been reordered six times in the past three days, but saw nothing new since the last time he'd looked. Carefully re-shelving _Protocols_ in the 'Societal Customs: Manners: Classics' section, he sat down on his bed and looked around.

No doubt about it, his room was immaculate even by his standards. Every single mote of dust had been eliminated with the help of very fine tweezers and a magnifying glass. His shirts were so thoroughly ironed that they were now wrinkle-free even at a molecular level (as he'd confirmed with a quick look through his microscope). Jim's needles were all arranged on a north-south axis, and each and every one of his ants had been given a careful bath in the disinfecting insect spray he had formulated. It was marvelously comforting to be at the epicenter of such hygienic order, but it left him with little else to do. Edd leaned back against the headboard and considered his options.

His eyes fell on his label maker, and he brightened momentarily before remembering he had run out of things to label late yesterday afternoon. Even his labels had labels now.

"Perhaps a little experimentation is what I need!" He considered his chemistry set, but quickly changed his mind. Earlier that morning he'd achieved a working invisibility potion, but when the heady rush of success had worn off he'd started imagining all the things Eddy would want to do with it. Badly shaken, he'd immediately poured it down the (now-invisible) drain and destroyed all evidence of its existence. No sense risking another perilous success like that one again so soon.

He sighed once more. "Curse consequential punishment." If only he hadn't given in so easily to Eddy's ludicrously doomed plan to free Ed. Three days of grounding hadn't seemed like much at first, but now, after 72 hours of leaving his room only to carry out the chores his parents still left sticky-noted all around the house, he…

He blinked. Had it really been 72 hours? Pulling a calendar out of a nearby drawer (labeled 'Calendar Containment Receptacle,' with a second label attached to the first that read, 'Calendar Containment Receptacle Identifying Tag'), he checked the date and gave a little yip of joy. His three days were up! He was free to enter the world of the living once more!

He jumped off his bed and ran for the door. It would be wonderful to see his friends again – no doubt Eddy had some delightfully preposterous new scam he'd be dying to pull, and Ed would be full of wild tales of whatever little fantasy world his mind was currently inhabiting, and…

Slowing to a stop, he slumped forward slightly. Neither Ed nor Eddy had received as light a sentence as he had – they both had several more days to go before being allowed back outside.

Very well, then, he'd just have to come up with something to do on his own – at least he had the whole wide neighborhood to explore now. And who knew, perhaps he could even take advantage of this time away from his, well, irrepressibly mischievous comrades to strengthen his acquaintance with some of the other cul-de-sac inhabitants…

He resumed running. A few days of independence almost sounded like fun, actually.

*****

"Man, this stinks." Eddy lay on his bed glaring up at his disco ball. Three days of being stuck inside with no suckers to scam - and he still had four whole days left! You'd think he'd been caught trying to _kill_ someone.

He glanced over at the makeshift walkie-talkie still coiled up beneath his window. It had lain silent since the first day of his grounding, ever since Sarah had nearly given him a concussion with her little wire-yanking stunt. The memory made him scowl – he wished he'd thought of that. It would have been so much funnier if he hadn't been the butt of the joke along with Ed and Double-D.

He considered trying to call his friends on the headset now, but eventually discarded the idea. Ed had probably eaten his headset days ago, and Sock-head was no doubt still too traumatized by Sarah's stupid trick to even go near his. Eddy snorted. Twitchy little coward.

He glanced at the headset again. Okay, so maybe that was being a little hard on Double-D. He might be as jittery and yappy as a sled-load of Chihuahuas, but give him a straw and an old towel and he'd build you a working space shuttle in half an hour. And he'd think it was FUN! It was amazing.

Eddy sighed. It was just too bad he couldn't sell that brainpower…

His scalp started to get that tingly feeling it always got just before an all-star idea hit. "That's IT!" Eddy leapt to his feet. "Ed's House of Answers!" A few signs, one booth, and Double-D's cooperation were all he needed – at a quarter per answer, he'd be rolling in dough by suppertime! Eddy snickered. It would even be a breeze to talk ol' Sock-head into this one – he always jumped at the chance to show off all those useless facts crammed away in his head.

He ran over to his door and yanked…to no effect. "What's with this stupid door?" He tried again, but it remained shut fast. Then he remembered.

"Rrrrgh!" He banged his head against the wall. The door was locked and barred from the outside. Five stinking little escape attempts, and his parents had to go all Alcatraz on him.

He could happily have killed someone at that moment.


	2. Close Encounters of the Porcine Kind

"What a beautiful day!" Edd breathed deeply of the fresh summer air on his stroll through the cul-de-sac. It was so invigorating after all that time cooped up in the house. As he passed by Rolf's yard, he leaned on the fence and watched Rolf tie something to a chicken's head.

"There you are, Gertrude!" Rolf made a final adjustment to the little wig, then set the chicken down. "The fancy girl hairdo looks good, yes? You shall be queen of the barnyard, and Rolf will have fine new hens by the time of the Squid Harvest!" He glanced up to find Edd looking on in bemusement. "Hello, Head-in-Sock Ed-boy! You wish to see the annual courtship of the poultry, yes?"

"Um, well, actually Rolf I was just – "

"Just one moment," Rolf growled, suddenly suspicious. "Rolf does not see your partners in crime, squirrelish Ed-boy!" He peered around through narrowed eyes. "You do not fool Rolf with your painfully polite ways – he knows of the envy with which your Brain-of-Yams friend regards his chickens!" He advanced on Edd. "If Gertrude is disrupted in her dance of a thousand waddles, you will suffer the shame of the vengeful turnip for one hundred days!"

Edd glanced involuntarily towards Rolf's vegetable patch as he backed away from the fence. "I-I assure you, Rolf, my visit is entirely innocent – and unaccompanied! Both Ed and Eddy continue to serve the sentences meted out by their parents as the result of our previous ill-advised attempts to secure Ed's freedom from confinement!"

"You shared in these shenanigans as well?" Rolf still looked distrustful. "Then tell Rolf why you do not share in their fate."

Edd shrugged. The sticky note on the subject had only documented the duration of his punishment, not the reasoning behind it. "I suppose Mother and Father don't believe in unduly long sentences, Rolf. Three days was more than enough time for me to reflect on my misdeeds."

"You commit the same wrongdoing yet do not receive the same punishment?" Rolf shook his head. "The ways of this land are still strange to Rolf. How I long for my homeland, where he who pokes the carbuncles shall suffer the same retribution as he who prods the boil ... "

Edd brightened. "Yes, well, that brings me to the reason for this visit…in a manner of speaking - Since I'm free from my usual burden of scam-based obligations for the day, I had hoped I could use some of the time to learn more about the customs of your native homeland? In return I'd be more than happy to offer what insight I may on the social norms upheld here in the cul-de-sac – it could be a multinational meeting of the minds, if you will, a cultural exchange!" He smiled hopefully at Rolf.

"Hmm…" Rolf pondered over Edd's words. "Oho! You wish to become a Rolf-boy for the day, yes?" Before Edd could correct him, he announced his decision. "Okey-dokey! Come along, Double-D Rolf-boy! The day is young and there is much livestock to trim!" He lifted Edd over the fence and hauled him off towards his shed.

"No, wait, Rolf, I only wanted to discuss – " Realizing that his protests were falling on deaf ears, Edd sighed and let himself be toted along. "Well, this should prove to be educational, at the very least…" He only hoped there wouldn't be _too_ much messiness involved.

*****

"Messy, messy, messy!" Ed did his best Double-D voice as he made the sock on his hand 'talk' to him. "Ed, your room is a…um…mess!"

"Shut up, Sock-head!" He bounced his toy monster up to confront the sock puppet. "This room is gonna make us rich! Kids'll pay big money to come see Ed's House of Mutant Slime!" He turned the monster to face him. "You're a genius, Lumpy!"

Ed beamed. Eddy was being so nice to him today.

"But Eddy, I am the genius!" The sock moved around to 'stand' in front of the monster again. "I can count to a hundred zillion, and I know words like, uh, sasquanicious, and I have got labels on all my stuff so I never forget what anything is!"

Poor Double-D, he seemed so worried. "There, there, Double-D, you are our Smarty Marty!" Ed patted the sock reassuringly. "You two keep working while I get us snacks – Ed is a good host!" He dropped the sock and the toy and trotted over to his bathroom.

"Hmm…" He checked the medicine cabinet, but it was empty except for his used dental floss collection. It was so nice of Sarah to save that for him every morning. Looking behind the toilet seat he found a dead bug as big as his hand, and a fuzzy pile of franks and beans. He shook his head – he was saving those for a special occasion. What, then, was there for now?

"Ooh!" Lifting the tub, he pried up a floor tile to uncover his secret stash of sandwich jerky. Some sandwiches got slimy after being left out for months at a time, but peanut butter ones, if squashed beneath something really heavy, got nicely dry and chewy – perfect for mid-morning snacking!

He snatched up the sandwiches and galloped back out to his room. "Food's here, guys! How is Slime World com – " He stopped and looked around. Not a single thing had been done since he'd left. Eddy and Double-D lay just where he left them. "Um, guys?"

"Oh, agony!" He put the sock back on his hand and made it talk. "We did not know what to do without you to help us, Ed!"

Ed laughed. "Aw, no problem guys! It is easier than falling down the stairs! Just take this stuff over here – " He lifted his chair cushion and scooped out a chalky blue substance. " – and some of this stuff here – " He stuck a finger in his ear and pulled out a sizable chunk of something gooey. "And moosh them together - like so!" Combining the two products caused them to fizz and bubble and expand. Within seconds, his entire floor was covered in a thickly oozing green matter.

"Cool, huh guys?" He looked around, but his friends were nowhere to be found. "Oops." He stuck a hand down into the slime and pulled out the sock and the toy monster.

The toy monster looked around. "Good work, Burrhead! The kids will be lining up around the block!"

Sock and toy both 'turned' towards him. "Thank you, Ed! You're a genius!"

Ed smiled happily. Where would his friends be without him?

*****

"Aaaigh!" Edd flailed wildly as he crashed through the side of Rolf's shed and flew through the air. His progress was halted by an unfortunately placed tree.

"And DO NOT return!" Rolf stomped out of the shed and shook his fist. "Are your pockets filled with the cheese rinds of fouless? Never has Rolf seen such disrespect for his livestock!"

Edd slid down the tree to the ground. He shook his head to clear it. "Rolf, please, I assure you Wilfred would not have come to any harm whatsoever!" He'd only wanted to investigate the inner workings of the porcine digestive system, how could he pass up such a golden opportunity? "Why, did you know that the anatomy of the humble pig more closely resembles that of human beings than that of any other – " he flinched as a long tube with a miniscule camera attached to one end came flying at him.

"Take your infernal contraptions and remove your foul carcass from the farm of Rolf! Do not let him behold you again without your fellow Ed-boys present to restrain your unbearable nosiness!" Behind him, Wilfred could be heard squealing plaintively. "Do not fear, Wilfred, the brainy weasel has been cast forth like lice from Papa's beard-combings! Come, be soothed with a bowl of Nana's warmed cabbage custard ... " With a final threatening glare in Edd's direction, Rolf reentered the shed to attend to his pig.

Edd picked himself up and sighed. It had started out so well – okay, well, it had started out so tolerably. He had worried that Rolf was getting irritated when he'd hooked up some copper wire between Victor's horns to create the first ever goat-powered electricity generator, and he suspected a limit was being reached when he'd conducted that brief behavioral study on the chickens (but what a breakthrough he'd made, discovering that hens could be taught sign language!), but who knew Rolf would be so adverse to a little on-the-fly physiology investigation? Perhaps such matters were considered taboo in his native culture.

Regardless, Edd felt a twinge of guilt as he listened to Wilfred's ceaseless squeals. He had certainly never meant to offend Rolf or upset any of his animals. For a brief moment, he considered going back in to apologize, but then his eyes fell on a large, crusty pile heaped just outside the shed. Rolf had mentioned something about needing help sorting his father's dried cow cud collection…

With a barely suppressed shudder, Edd backed quickly away from Rolf's farm and headed towards the street. After all, it surely wouldn't do to spend all his time with Rolf when there were so many other children in the cul-de-sac that he should get to know better…


	3. Tea with Miss Mussolini

(ZephyrSamba here! Just wanted to answer a question I'm getting: For anyone wondering where Ed/Eddy is in a particular chapter…Well…they're grounded – stuck inside without much to do! As such, I plan on having them trade off every other chapter (first Eddy, then Ed, then Eddy, then – well, you get the idea). Whaddya think? I certainly don't mean to deprive anyone of their Ed/Eddy fix, but even the great lumpy one and his loudmouthed little pal are having a hard time finding all _that_ much trouble to get into at the moment ;)

Okay, that's it – now back to the regularly scheduled program. Thanks to those of you who've reviewed and made suggestions thus far!)

*****

"RRRGH!!" Eddy seethed at the sight of the now-blocked view out his window. Okay, so maybe he'd been pushing things when he'd tried to sneak out that window – but that was no reason for his parents to board it up. Now he couldn't even keep tabs on what was going on outside!

He wondered if any of the other kids missed him. Rolling his eyes, he snorted. What was he thinking? Of _course_ they missed him! Without him, who was there to add spice and excitement to their useless lives? Even now they were probably all sitting around just scratching and drooling, wishing he were back.

Hey…maybe they'd come bust him out! He could see it now – Nazz would take the lead since she'd want him back the most. She hid it well, but Eddy knew she had a little thing for him – didn't she giggle girlishly every time he walked by? And with her influence even Kevin would be roped in…Eddy snickered at the idea of that jealous jerk having to help rescue him. Eddy'd be sure to rub it in his face once they finally freed him from this room-turned-prison.

Let's see…Nazz…Kevin…Who else? Rolf would probably lend a hand, although you could never be sure about him. Eddy made a face. What can you say about someone whose idea of a wild evening was a rousing family game of 'How Many Eggs Can I Fit in My Mouth?' No doubt about it, the guy was weird.

Either way, everyone else was sure to be in on the jailbreak. Well…almost everyone – Sarah was probably glad he was gone, but that spoiled brat just couldn't deal with anyone who actually had the guts to stand up to her. Eddy smirked. Just look at her choices for playmate and for not-so-secret crush.

Come to think of it, Jimmy probably wouldn't be helping, either – the little twerp never did anything without Sarah's say-so. Eddy'd even tried to help him get a life once, that time he'd begged so pathetically to be just like his 'Uncle Eddy,' but Jimmy let him down almost right away. Well…let down, double-crossed – same difference. The little creep never really had the right stuff to be a con artist anyway. Besides, he'd probably just get in the way of the escape efforts.

And speaking of getting in the way, Eddy hoped Jonny kept out of the whole thing. Every time Jonny was around, disaster for Eddy seemed to follow – the kid was trouble. Or actually…Plank was trouble. Sometimes Eddy almost – almost! – got the feeling that Plank – not that he was real, of course – didn't like him…Always staring with those blank eyes…smiling, but somehow still so disapproving…As if he _saw_ things he didn't like…

Eddy shuddered, then shook his head dismissively. Forget Jonny and his stupid board, who needed 'em? Some people just couldn't handle reality – it was pathetic, really.

No matter, Eddy had more important things to think about. The kids would be here any minute now; he needed to be ready. Leaning back in his chair, he propped his feet up against his dresser and practiced his smuggest 'what took you so long?' look.

*****

Edd strolled down the street, pondering where he should go next. He could head over to the park and see what Jonny and Plank were up to…or perhaps he could go see if Kevin needed assistance with his daily bicycle maintenance…or –

"Hey, Double-D! C'mere!"

…Or, he could go find out what Sarah wanted. He sighed inwardly. "Y-yes, Sarah?" He took his time in walking over to her yard.

Sarah was sitting at a folding card table, decked out in a yellow sundress and a floppy pink hat. Spread out on the table before her were plates of cookies, delicate cups and saucers from her mother's good china collection, and a flowery teapot.

She beamed at him and shoved a doll off the chair next to hers. "Come join our tea party, Double-D!"

Edd edged back towards the street. "Um, why, thank you for the invitation Sarah - but I was just on my way to go meet Eddy – "

"No you weren't, you big liar – Eddy's still grounded just like my stupid brother! Come onnn, you don't have anything else to do!"

Edd had never seen anyone actually flutter their eyelashes before; he'd always thought that was just a cartoonish cliché. "I-I'm sorry, Sarah, I really can't join you right – "

"Oh phooey – I don't think Double-D wants to play with us, Sarah." Edd initially hadn't even seen Jimmy, surrounded as he was by a host of similarly dressed teddy bears nearly as large as himself. Now he noted that Jimmy did indeed stand out, if only because he was the only one not smiling.

Sarah's own coquettish smile quickly disappeared. "Yes, he DOES!" Her own chair was knocked backwards as she half-stood and stabbed a finger towards the proffered seat. "Sit DOWN, Double-D!"

Edd gulped and sat down. Sarah's ire vanished as she poured him a cup of imaginary tea. "T-thank you, Sarah, that's…very kind of you." He sipped his 'tea,' wondering yet again how he always seemed to get into these situations.

"Gee, Sarah, Double-D isn't dressed for a tea party," Jimmy nudged the teddy next to him. "Even Mr. Cuddles has nicer clothes." Was it Edd's imagination, or was there a hint of enmity in Jimmy's voice? "I know! Let's give him a makeover! Pretty wardrobes are my specialty!"

Sarah clapped her hands. "Good idea, Jimmy!" She grabbed Edd's hand and yanked him towards her house. "Come on, Double-D, this'll be fun!"

No doubt about it, Jimmy was definitely smirking. Ever since Eddy's doomed attempt to transform him into his protégé, Jimmy had had a certain…sneakiness…lurking just beneath the surface. Edd sighed. Eddy seemed to have that effect on people.

He eventually abandoned his futile attempts at freeing his hand from Sarah's carelessly crushing grip and let himself be dragged along. As he passed Ed's basement window, he cast it a longing glance. True, Ed's room was a roiling petri _farm _for every single-celled organism known to man, but at least there he was never subjected to frightening tea parties and unwanted 'makeover' ordeals. He hoped Ed was having a better day than he was.


	4. Revenge of the Pink Bunny

"Why can't I have my friends over?" Ed lay on the floor and sobbed. "It is not fair!"

Out his window, he could hear Sarah yelling about something. Jimmy must be over – so why did Sarah have to ruin Ed's fun by getting their mom to take away his sock puppet and toy monster?

He sniffled. He'd even had to clean up all the wonderful slime on his floor because of her. Eddy would be so disappointed.

Oh well, they could try Ed's House of Mutant Slime again some other time. Wiping his eyes, he looked around his room, wondering what to do now. Maybe he could work on his NC-Series C1701 model spacecraft – it only needed another coat or two of paint before it'd be ready to –

No, he couldn't work on his model, he remembered now. Sarah had smashed it to bits after he'd tried to rescue it from becoming a car for her teddy bears.

Maybe he'd catch up on his reading; the latest edition of 'Tin Foil Man' had arrived just the other day and Ed couldn't wait to see how he would rescue the universe THIS time - would his giant Ball of Shiny Justice save the day once again? Would THIS be the issue where they finally revealed the secret of the Dark Side of the Foil? Well, only one way to find out! He ran over to his closet and looked around.

The unexpected emptiness was so shocking that he jerked his head back and banged it against the door jam. Not even the stars now twinkling before his vision were enough to cheer him up, however, as he remembered the fate of his comic. Why couldn't Sarah have found something else to make confetti out of?

Well, maybe he could go add more tasty ingredients to the batch of Bathtub Soup he was currently whipping up...but of course he couldn't do that, either, since Sarah had pulled the plug on that this morning, sending his beautiful creation swirling down the drain.

In fact, now that he noticed it…Ed blinked in surprise…Sarah had actually managed to have every single thing he owned taken from his room, piece by piece. Not even the posters on the walls remained – she'd gotten it all.

Well, all except his headset, of course. He smacked his lips as he remembered what a tasty treat that had been. But that didn't help him now – what was he supposed to do with nothing to play with?

An idea hit him almost instantly. No problem, he could always sing a song! In fact, he'd learned a new one just the other week while watching old reruns on TV! "Believe it or not, I'm walking on air!" Not even Sarah could take his voice away! "Who ever thought I could feel so – "

"ED!" His sister's voice crashed down to his room. "Knock off that stupid racket or I'm tellin' Mom!"

After spending a few moments hiding under the spot where his bed usually was, Ed climbed cautiously back to his feet. He hazarded a single, quiet scrap of song: " – free..."

"_ED!!!_"

Sniffling, Ed flopped down onto the ground. Sarah was his sister and all, so he had to love her – and he did, of course, he was a good big brother – it was just that...sometimes...he almost, sort of, wished he was an only child, like Double-D – then he'd never have to worry about Sarah...

*****

Sarah critically studied their handiwork. "Do you think he needs more eyeshadow, Jimmy?"

Jimmy looked up from where he was applying a final coat of nail polish. "Why, that would be a splendid idea, Sarah! I think ... " He squinted in concentration, then nodded professionally and turned to pluck a small container from the open chest behind him. "Yes, he's definitely a Spring. Try this one, it's got more violet tones."

"Good choice, Jimmy! Close your eyes, Double-D, you don't want to get this stuff in 'em." She gleefully flourished the makeup brush. "Although if you do, maybe me and Jimmy can operate again, wouldn't that be SO super neat-o??"

Edd shivered and shut his eyes tightly, but said nothing. His initial struggles had succeeded only in getting him bound hand-and-foot to the chair he was in, and he certainly knew better than to risk upsetting Sarah when he couldn't even try to make a break for it.

Moments later, Sarah and Jimmy stepped back to examine their handiwork. Sarah was delighted. "This is our best job ever!"

Jimmy clapped his hands together. "Doesn't that mascara I picked out make his eyes pop? Why don't you get a mirror so he can see for himself?"

"Hey, yeah! Stay right there, Double-D!" Giggling, Sarah ran out of the room.

Edd sighed. It had been a long morning. On the bright side, however, Sarah and Jimmy seemed to be finished with their makeover efforts; perhaps his ordeal was nearly at an end.

"Having fun, Double-D?" Jimmy's high-pitched voice reminded Edd of an upset bunny. A _pink_ upset bunny, at that. Nonetheless, the resentment was definitely there. What was that about reaching an end to this ordeal?

"W-well, actually, Jimmy, I must admit this isn't exactly my cup of tea, so to speak. If you would be so kind as to release me perhaps I could – "

"'What, 'perhaps' you could steal my Sarah from me again?" Jimmy flapped his hands and gave an indignant little 'hmpf.' "I don't think so, Mister!"

Ah, of course that's what this was all about. Edd supposed he'd known all along, but the thought was so unsettling that he hadn't allowed himself to consider it.

He tried for an appeasing smile. "Jimmy, I wouldn't dream of doing anything to harm the special bond you share with Sarah! Quite frankly I couldn't be _less_ drawn to – ah, that is to say…I don't feel I'm even ready for a relationship of a romantic nature quite yet…"

"Oh yeah?" Jimmy's eyes narrowed. "Then why did you butt in on our tea party, huh?"

"That wasn't by choice, Jimmy, surely you must realize that! I mean, haven't you ever noticed that Sarah can be a bit - well…" He trailed off, hoping Jimmy would get the idea.

Jimmy looked at him suspiciously. "A bit what?"

"Well…" Edd hesitated, choosing his words carefully. "Surely you're aware that Sarah has a rather…ah…domineering personality…?"

Jimmy furrowed his brow in confusion.

Edd sighed. So much for tact. "Sarah's a bit of a bully, Jimmy, wouldn't you agree? I never intended to join your party but the consequences of declining her invitation were too dire to consider."

Jimmy looked as though he'd just discovered he was wearing brown shoes with a black belt. "Don't you say that about Sarah!" He hopped up and down in shrill little spasms of fury – again, Edd couldn't help but think of a peeved bunny. "Sarah's my best friend! She is NOT a bully! Just you wait till she gets back, she'll – "

"Okay, I'm back!" Sarah skipped into the room, toting a small hand mirror. She brandished it in Edd's face, but he was too intent on Jimmy to even notice.

Like the proverbial Jekyll and Hyde, Jimmy's anger had vanished the second Sarah had returned. No sign of his former rage now showing, he once again cooed and fawned over how well they had done with their makeover 'patient'. Under different circumstances it would have been fascinating to observe.

But then Jimmy cocked his head to the side and tapped a finger to his chin. "Hmm…" He made a show of staring thoughtfully at Edd. "Double-D looks a lot better now, Sarah, but can't we do something about his hair?" As Sarah turned to look, Jimmy shot him an evil-bunny leer. "I bet he'd be really pretty with a perm!"

Eddy was right; Jimmy really _was_ good. Edd hunched down as low as he could. "That's ... kind of you to offer, but you know I prefer not to take off – "

Sarah jumped at the idea. "You're right, Jimmy! That stupid hat ruins everything!" She reached out eagerly. "Come on, Double-D, you can trust us! We won't tell anyone!"

"NO!" Edd jerked away and inadvertently sent his chair crashing to the ground. As Sarah and Jimmy stepped back in surprise, he saw his chance. Using only his fingers, he managed to drag himself and the chair out of the room.

It was amazing how fast you could go if you had the proper incentive. Moments later, he looked up to find he was nearly at the front door already. This presented a problem, however, as he could see no way he'd be able to open it.

"Double-D, you get back here this minute!" He could hear feet pounding down the stairs. Shrugging, he moved forward as quickly as he could. After all those screen doors of his that Ed had broken over the years, surely he could be forgiven this one front door in an emergency.

He crashed through but heard Sarah close behind. Just as he was sure his escape efforts were about to be cut abruptly short, however, Sarah's giggling stopped. He heard another voice, a very disapproving voice, coming from the kitchen.

"But Mom!" Now Sarah's voice had a distinctly wheedling quality to it. "No, it wasn't me! I don't know how your good dishes got outsi – no, it must've been Ed, I swear I wasn't even – " She gasped. "GROUNDED??? But _Mommmm!_"

Saved by parental intervention. Edd sighed gratefully.

For a moment, he considered going back to apologize to Sarah and Ed's mother for damaging their front door – she always went out of her way to be so nice to him when she was around, asking him how his day was or sneaking him the occasional tin of fresh-baked cookies to take home, and he hated to be repaying her kindness with inadvertent vandalism…He remembered what he looked like at the moment, however, and decided that perhaps his first priority should be a long shower and a change of clothes. Trying to ignore the cramps forming in his hands, he dragged himself off towards his house.


	5. The Wrath of Kanker

"Eddy, you dog!" Eddy winked at his reflection as he adjusted the lapels on his leisure suit. "You got the looks, you got the charm – is there anything you haven't got?"

Well…he didn't have an escape route, that was for sure. He'd long since given up on the cul-de-sac idiots getting him out; without him to run the show they obviously couldn't even handle something THAT simple. And from the inside, escape was getting tougher by the minute - he grumbled at the steel plate now bolted over the air vent on his ceiling. Sneaking through the ductwork had worked so well that time at Rolf's – but then, Rolf didn't know him as well as his parents did.

Oh well. His parents could never stop him; they could only slow him down. He could wait if he had to.

And in the meantime he had all the cool junk in his closet to root through for entertainment. Still wearing the leisure suit, he pushed past a balled-up pile of vintage clothing he'd already tried on, and made his way back to the box that housed some of his really GOOD stuff.

He blew the dust off the lid and opened it. His very favorite item was right on top. "Come to Papa!" Eddy reverently took out the quarter and breathed in the aroma of cold, hard cash, but quickly pulled away – all these years later his first scammed loot still smelled like Ed's pockets.

Ed, of course, had been his first scam victim. It was kismet. While his new friend was showing him around his basement room for the first time, Eddy had snuck deep into the closet and dragged out an old green jacket packed away in mothballs for the summer. The sci-fi posters on Ed's walls inspired him to shake it off and present it to the big lug, claiming he'd found it at a UFO crash site and that it was made of laser-proof space-lizard hide. Ed begged to buy it from him and Eddy gleefully accepted – selling someone their own clothes wasn't a bad way to start a friendship!

Of course, Ed's parents had stopped giving him allowance shortly after that. Eddy snorted. Like ol' Burrhead had gotten a bad deal – wasn't he still wearing that jacket to this day? Well, money or no, Eddy had recognized the usefulness of having the big gullible oaf on his side, and had let Ed hang out with him ever since. It wasn't a bad set-up.

Returning to the chest, he found his first report card – that C he'd given himself in Art was a stroke of genius, his parents didn't care about such sissy junk and yet it'd given him something to point to when they'd questioned the card's authenticity. And here was his first fake driver's license – okay, so people had found that more cute than convincing; five years old probably was a little young for a stunt like that. Maybe he oughta give it another try now that he looked so much older…

He briefly wondered where he'd put his folks' old camera, but the thought evaporated as he pulled the next item out of the chest.

He grinned. Double-D's first invention for one of his scams! It looked pretty simple compared to some of the stuff he did these days but it was unmistakably his work.

Spinning the pinwheel 'Safety Indicator' fixed atop the device, Eddy thought back to the day he'd discovered it. He'd seen 'Eddward' around before – always alone, usually taking notes and muttering to himself about whatever lame experiment he was doing at the time – but had never had much use for him, since the only time he'd tried to scam him he'd been presented with an itemized list of grammatical and logical errors he'd made in his spiel, along with a recommendation of books to help him 'overcome' these problems.

This day was different, however. Eddy remembered watching as the quiet boy walked past with some strange, bug-filled device. Eddy's initial disgust gave way to curiosity when he saw him set it down and fiddle with the controls – seconds later, hundreds_ more_ bugs had scurried over to join those already caught. Eddy's mind flooded with cash-making possibilities – people hated ants; if they caught a whole bunch in that thing they could sneak them into someone's house, then get paid big bucks to get rid of them, using the very same device! It couldn't lose!

Eddy wasn't sure if Double-D had been intimidated or flattered by his wheedling attentions – probably both – but either way he'd nervously agreed, and the rest was history. Of course, the scam didn't come off as planned – between Ed eating all the ants he could, and Double-D's hesitant but delaying protests, they'd never gotten any suckers to bite. Still, Double-D had gotten the founding population for that ant farm of his, and Eddy had gotten a much-needed egghead – and even Ed had gotten a full belly – so all in all, things had worked out pretty good.

Eddy carefully returned the bug-trap to the chest, wondering as he did so why he bothered keeping the thing at all. Not for sappy sentimental reasons, of course – nothing frilly like that! - but it was probably good to have in case he ever needed to remind Double-D just who'd saved his booky butt by letting him join the coolest group in the cul-de-sac. Those egghead types were useful, but they could get pushy if you didn't have a thing or two to keep them in line.

Yeah, that had to be it. Good thing Eddy was such a natural leader. "Eddy, my man, you got the looks, you got the charm, AND you got the leadership – is there _anything_ you haven't got?"

The answer, obviously, was no.

*****

Edd lay back in the grass and closed his eyes, letting his thoughts drift as lazily as the creek splashing along nearby. After his rather unpleasant experiences of the morning he thought it was time to indulge in a little well-deserved solitude.

The sound of approaching footsteps suggested that somebody disagreed with those sentiments. He sighed, wondering who other than Eddy or Ed would actually bother to seek him out. No doubt somebody wanted something fixed. Well, whoever it was, surely they would respect his desire to be left in peace for just a little –

Every muscle in his body contracted at once as a horridly familiar chorus of giggles met his ears.

"Well, well, if it ain't the runt of the litter." Lee grinned dully, a bull who'd just discovered a new china shop. "And just where are your friends? You Eds always travel in packs!" Cupping her hands to her mouth, she bellowed, "You can't hide forever, Eddy!"

Marie knocked her sister out of the way with a well-timed hip swing. "Who cares about that little loudmouth – we've got the shy one!" She winked – or perhaps she was only blinking, it was difficult to be certain with just the one eye visible – and made kissy lips at Edd. "He's so cute…"

Lee, Marie, and May Kanker fanned out around Edd, arms wide and lips puckered. Edd glanced over his shoulder but the creek blocked any hope of escape. "Ladies, please!" Sweating profusely, he backed up to preserve as much distance between himself and the Kankers as possible. "N-now surely you must realize this is simply intolerable! Not that I'm not…f-flattered…that you're so deeply enamored of me," he added quickly, continuing his retreat as they continued their advance, "but wouldn't it be a refreshing change if just this once you were to temper your libidinous onslaught with some modicum of self-restraint?"

The three stopped dead and exchanged looks. "Lib-id-in…?" "Mod-ic…?"

Lee scowled. Faster than Edd could react, she caught hold of his hat and dragged him close. "What did you just say?" If bears could talk – if really _angry_ bears could talk – they'd sound just like that. "If you're making fun of us…" Her breath reminded him of a fuzzy pile of franks and beans he'd recently discovered at Ed's.

Edd struggled as she raised her other hand in a fist, but at that moment May pulled him away. "I think he's talking French, Lee!" She spun around with him. "That's the language of _loovvve_!"

Marie dealt May a punishing uppercut. "Hands off, this one's _mine_!" May dropped Edd to the ground and leapt headfirst at her sister.

"May! Marie!" Lee stomped over, cracking her knuckles. "You two fight like girls! Do I need to teach you how to throw a real punch?" She jumped into the fray with a grunt.

Too shaky to stand, Edd crawled along the ground, hoping to make good his escape before the combatants noticed.

No such luck. "Hey!" May stopped in mid-swing and pointed. "Marie, can't you keep your husband in line? He's getting away!"

"Not for long!" Marie landed on his back with enough force to knock all the air out of him. As he gasped for breath, she leaned her head against his. "Hiya, sweet stuff, didja miss me?"

Edd scrabbled at the ground, desperately trying to claw his way to freedom, but he was going nowhere. If only he were as strong as Ed he could get away…

Wait a minute. Why in heaven's name was he trying to escape through physical means? He was supposed to be the _smart_ one, wasn't he? Different talents called for different tactics.

He forced himself to be still. "Why, h-how could I _fail_ to miss you, Marie? And-and naturally Ed and Eddy have both missed your sisters!"

"Big Ed!" May knocked Marie off his back and hoisted Edd to his feet. "Where is he, Double-D?"

"Yeah, and where's my little weasel of love?"

"Well, they're both…in the creek! They're…uh…going for a swim?" Nobody questioned this, so he went on. "I'm sure they would be delighted if you were to go find them."

May squealed and ran over to the bank. Lee followed at a more leisurely pace. "Hmmph, I don't see nothing." She turned back around, fists clenched. "You wouldn't lie to us, would you?"

"M-me? Why, I never lie!" Sometimes unbroken bones were more important than a perfectly clear conscience, even Edd had to admit. "They must be underwater – look closely, now!" He ducked as Marie made a grab for him. "Excuse me, Marie, but why don't you go aid your sisters? I'm sure they'd appreciate your assistance…"

"Yeah, Marie, get your can over here! Who says _you_ get all the fun?"

Marie grumblingly obeyed Lee's command. Soon all three were lined up along the bank, peering into the water. Edd considered pushing them in but dismissed the thought immediately. He certainly wasn't suicidal.

Besides, he had a better idea. He ransacked his pockets for potential building materials, then snatched up as much grass as he could and began weaving it together as quickly as possible.

"Ah, give it up, girls, they're not there!" Marie rolled her eye and turned back towards Edd. "Quit stallin, cutie, I – hey, what's that?" She eyed the small, box-shaped bundle now lying on the ground before Edd.

"Oh, this?" Edd clasped his hands and gave a nervous smile. "It's a present – from my friends and me, t-to the three you, with our regards!"

"A present!" May pulled her head out of the water and ran over, shaking off like a dog. Lee and Marie joined her. "What is it, Double-D?"

"Why, o-open it and find out!" Edd hoped the Kankers didn't notice that he was backing farther and farther away. Whether this worked or not, he'd need a good head start.

Lee shoved her sisters back with one hand and reached for the box with the other. Edd couldn't bear to watch…

Success! Lee's touch instantly triggered the spring-loaded mechanism he'd concealed within, and all three girls shouted as the innocuous-looking box expanded to engulf them. In milliseconds they were trapped in a thick grass net, reinforced with some copper wire he'd still had in his pocket from his experiment with Rolf's goat.

The Kankers roared and tore at the traitorous grass. Edd allowed himself a brief flush of pride, but there was no time to truly savor the victory. Reinforced or not, the net couldn't possibly last long – and he knew _he'd_ last an even shorter time once they escaped.

After a quick mental pat on the back, Edd turned and ran for his life. He might pay for that little trick eventually, but for now he was free. He planned to enjoy that freedom as far from the Kanker sisters as possible.


	6. O Sister, Where Art Thou?

(ZephyrSamba here again! Just wanted to thank everyone who's reviewed thus far – this has been a fun story to write, and it's great to see that folks have been enjoying it =) Here's hoping you like the remaining installments. And in response to your question, J-4-DD – right now I'm expecting there to be 8-9 chapters by the time I'm finished, although that might change if it seems like more/less are in order. I think Plank knows, but he's not telling – I guess we'll both just have to wait and see!

And finally – much thanks, Triad Orion, for letting the Ed-boys out of your room long enough for me to use them here. I promise I'll put 'em back when I'm done!)

*****

Ed's stomach rumbled. It was well past time for Sarah to bring him his lunchtime grilled gravy sandwich; he wondered what was keeping her. It was really unusual for her not to show up – she always liked to watch him hold his sandwich between his toes (such a nice, squishy feeling!) while he ate. And now that he noticed it, he hadn't heard her yelling about anything in a long time, either.

This could only mean one thing.

"The Spaghetti People got Sarah!!!" He ran around, flapping his arms in despair. By now they had probably replaced all her blood with marinara sauce and enlisted her in their army of mindless slave warriors fighting against the Meatball Men of the Mueller Meteoroid, and…and…

And it was all his fault! The Spaghetti People had probably heard his thoughts – how could he ever have wished that he was an only child? "I am a terrible big brother!" He threw himself on the ground and sobbed. "It should have been me! Why, Spaghetti People, why?"

It was long moments later before he had finally cried himself out. Wiping his eyes on his jacket sleeve, he raised his head resolutely.

"Beware, foul inhabitants of the pasta dimension, for you will pay!" He climbed to his feet, hands clenched. "I will hunt down spaghetti noodles wherever they are found!"

He faltered for a moment. Where _were_ spaghetti noodles found? "Ooh! I know!" He'd once discovered one up his nose! Pushing back his sleeve, he stuck his hand in up to his elbow…hmm…Maybe that squishy thing up there was a stash of spaghetti? He gave it a tentative squeeze.

His legs kicked violently out from under him, sending him crashing to the floor, twitching.

"Oops." Ed released his brain and removed his hand from his nose. No luck there, although his toes did feel pleasantly tingly now. He'd have to remember that for later.

"Spaghetti noodles, spaghetti noodles…" He checked the hole in his wall, the drain in the floor, and the crack in the ceiling. There was plenty of cool crawly stuff all around but nothing that looked like a Spaghetti Man. Those guys could be tricky!

But no doubt about it, he _would_ find them. Oh yes. And once he did, he would make them pay for what they'd done to his baby sister.

And he'd get started right away – just as soon as he'd given his brain a few more squeezes. "Just call me Mister Tingle Toes!"

*****

Now that he'd made it back to the relative safety of the cul-de-sac, Edd had no intention of wandering far. He considered just going home but was loath to abandon the brilliant summer afternoon. Perhaps he could engage in a little botanical investigation – yes, it had been a while since he'd been able to examine the local flora uninterrupted. Who knew, perhaps he'd even discover a new specimen to keep Jim company, that would certainly be –

"Hey, Double-D! What's up, dude?"

Good heavens, it was Nazz! And she was _speaking_ - to _him_! His recent encounters had left him even more apprehensive than usual about the opposite gender, but nonetheless, this was _Nazz_. Nazz, who was always so friendly. Who was always so polite! Who always –

"Um, Double-D?" Nazz raised an eyebrow. "Hel-lo?"

He hadn't answered her yet! Oh, the inexcusable rudeness! No doubt about it, he'd be having nightmares about this for weeks. "My apologies, Nazz! I was just…uh…reflecting upon my day?" In an attempt to keep his shaking to a minimum he concentrated on identifying the types of clouds drifting overhead.

"O-kay…" she giggled, then looked around. "Hey, where are Ed and Eddy? It's not like you guys to be away from each other…"

_That one's a cumulonimbus. And look, there's a cirrus. _"I-I-I'm afraid my erstwhile companions are restricted to the confines of their rooms for the duration of the week," he winced at the verbal barrage flooding forth from his own mouth – and was his voice always so squeaky? He coughed and forced himself to try again. "That is to say, uh…my friends are grounded."

Nazz cocked her head to the side. "Aww, so you're all alone today?" She'd probably use the same look if she ever found a puppy caught out in the rain. "Poor Double-D!"

"Oh, don't worry about me, Nazz," he tried to muster up an enthusiastic smile. "This has been a…unique…opportunity for me to renew my acquaintance with my fellow cul-de-sac inhabitants."

"Good for you, Double-D! You're so brave!" Nazz's heedlessly patronizing smile nevertheless tied his entire being in knots. "Hey, I was just gonna go watch TV, you wanna come with?"

Say no! Say no! This type of social interaction went light-years beyond his range of experience; it could only end in some horrific blunder! "W-why, I'd love to, Nazz! Thank you very much for the invitation!"

Nazz giggled. "Sure, dude. Come on, let's go!" Edd tagged along behind, trying to ignore the warning sirens blaring through his head. Soon they arrived at Nazz's house. "Well? Come on in, Double-D!"

Edd stepped in and looked around. "It's like I always imagined it…" The place was nearly as spotless as his own, but far more trendily decorated. It resembled one of those showpieces that usually only existed within the pages of upscale design magazines. "Y-your home is lovely, Nazz."

"Ugh, do you think so? My parents did most of the decorating – so _boring_, you know?" She made a face. "But they did let me help out a little – how do you like my tree?"

Edd suppressed a yelp as he spotted the large plastic palm tree squatting in a corner, gold trim and colored lights flashing up its trunk. Inexplicable charms and ornaments swung from every frond – on one was a little plastic tuba, on another, a picture of Nazz at judo class – and a sunglasses-wearing stuffed flamingo was perched on top, icing for the catastrophe. It couldn't have been any tackier if it had been draped in velvet Elvis paintings.

"Why, that's - um - truly extraordinary, Nazz, quite the triumph of ... individual expression?" Despite himself Edd had to suppress a smile at the thought of Eddy's reaction to this assault on all that was home decor; it could have been quite at home in _his_ room ...

"You really think so?" Nazz smiled. "Thanks, Double-D. My parents keep trying to take it down, they think it's 'tacky'." She rolled her eyes. "Anyway – what do you wanna watch?" She sat down and held out the remote.

"Well, I believe – " Edd stopped cold; was he truly about to suggest they watch the shale marathon currently playing on the Geology Channel? "That is to say, you're the host - I'm certain that whatever you normally watch at this time will be a pleasure." Social blunder number one, averted.

"Aw, you're such a good sport." She turned on the TV and flipped immediately to her show. "You know 'Who Wants to Be a Big Bachelor Brother'? We gotta watch this week, dude - next week's the season finale!"

Edd groaned inwardly. "A landmark moment in modern Western culture, no doubt..."

Nazz nodded vaguely, already absorbed in her show.

Edd sighed. So much for being the only person in the country who had avoided the onslaught of so-called 'reality' programming. But then again, he _was_ here in Nazz's house, wasn't he? Invited to share in her very favorite television program by Nazz herself? Surely exposure to any show would be a price well worth paying! And at the very least they couldn't be any worse than the standard fare at Ed's, with his beloved Polish robot octopi, ravenous flying brain leeches, and the like ...

The brain leeching began almost immediately. He frowned in consternation. "If I may ask, we aren't _truly _expected to believe these people are acting of their own volition, correct? I mean, they're clearly being directed in their - d-directed by ... " He stammered into silence at the sight of the vague annoyance crossing Nazz's face, all the response he was to receive even after his whispered, "Sorry." Clasping his hands together, he vowed not to cause any further disturbance.

His vow quickly ran out on him. "Excuse me, but have any of these so-called 'Fridge Raid Challenges' been vetted by a licensed nutritional physician? I can't help but think this consumption of such - um - vintage herring might set a bad example for more impressionable viewers." He winced as Nazz glanced sidelong at him and pointedly turned the volume up a notch. Even as more sensible parts of his brain tried to induce lockjaw he listened in horror to his panic centers launching into full-scale Mollification Mode. "F-forgive my interruption, I hope you would un-understand my concern if you had ever been privy to Ed's gastronomic habits - why," he offered a nervous giggle, "the first time he encountered a full wheel of cheese - "

"Double-_D_!" The force of Nazz's full-on irritation was enough to mercy-kill his words on the spot. What in heaven's name was he _doing_??! He was a GUEST, for goodness' sake!!! Edd tried to keep his lower lip trapped between his teeth and resolved to view the show as merely an elaborate, if poorly conceived, sociological study.

It worked for almost an entire minute. "I'm sorry, but this is atrocious," he sprang to his feet, "surely you must SEE that! Hidden 'laundry room cams'? Microphones camouflaged as the 'free prize' in their breakfast cereal? That is an _egregious _breach of privacy no matter WHAT kind of fishbowl those poor misguided souls signed themselves up for! I ask you – "

Nazz gritted her teeth as Edd continued his rant unabated. _Real girls are _nice_, _her mom always reminded her_.__ Be nice to _everybody_. _It was usually so easy.

She turned up the volume until it hurt, to no effect this time. She'd thought Double-D would be no trouble without Ed and Eddy around, but maybe Kevin was right about all three Eds.

She would never say it, though. Wouldn't even think it.

_Be nice. Be nice. Be nice._ It always worked so well before.

" – and who ever thought it would be a grand idea to house seven people in a place with only one bathroom? That's so unsanitary! Not to mention the – "

Nazz's hand dug into the armrest. Okay, maybe she would think it, just a little.

_Dork_.


	7. Look Who's Dorking

Eddy crouched beneath his bed and finished off the few lonely Chunky Puffs left over from his emergency supplies. He should've restocked after Ed had discovered the stash and crammed most of it down his throat, but somehow he'd just never gotten around to it.

Well, it's not like he'd need it much longer now, anyway.

Wiping crumbs off his mouth, he put his ear to the floor and started tapping. It didn't take long before he heard what he was looking for – the hollow 'thump' that indicated the entrance to his secret crawlspace.

"Eddy my boy, you're a genius!" Okay, so actually his big brother had discovered the crawlspace back when the room was his, before Eddy was born. When Eddy was young his brother would use it to sneak in at night and pretend to be a monster under the bed. Upon finally discovering who the 'monster' really was, Eddy pestered him until he agreed to reveal the well-hidden trapdoor.

Sliding aside the loose floorboards, Eddy paused. He was always reluctant to use this route since doing so risked its discovery – and he planned on needing it more and more in his upcoming teenage years. With every other exit firmly sealed, however, he didn't have much choice other than just staying put – and that was no choice at all.

He opened the trapdoor and slipped inside. It was dusty and dark, but he'd been through it enough times with his brother to know the way.

A left at the first branch…He could taste his freedom already. First thing he'd do was go get Double-D – although he hadn't decided yet whether to let him hear it for not bothering to come free him, or get him right to work on their latest scam – well, what the heck, why not do both!

Another left, then a quick right…

Now he just needed to decide which of the scams he'd cooked up over the past few days they should do first. It couldn't be Ed's Home Movers – though the other kids would be lining up to have their houses carted down for a creek-side view, no way could they run that one without Ed to do the carrying.

Almost there now…

Ed's Drive-Through Squirrel World was probably out of the question, too. Oh, he could talk Double-D into putting on the squirrel costume if he wanted, but Sock-head would probably have one of his stupid 'ethical' crises over the idea of marketing a drive-through to people who weren't old enough to drive. Some people just had no vision at all. Oh well, Ed would make a much better squirrel, anyway.

One last turn, and he'd be free! He'd just pop off the hatch to the outside, and then…

It couldn't be.

Could it? It couldn't.

It was!

"AAARGH!!!" The floor rattled as Eddy slammed his fists against it. "How?" He glared at the chains looped across his would-be exitway. How had his parents known? "How, how, HOW??!?"

He banged his head against the floor. So many plans ruined thanks to a few stinking loops of metal! It wasn't fair! Again he wondered how his folks had known – he'd never used the exit on his own before, and his brother –

Wait.

Of course. His BROTHER must've ratted him out! His own brother – maybe faced with a longer than usual punishment, or trying to coax a few extra bucks out of their parents – must have spilled the beans as part of some past 'plea bargain'! It wasn't like he needed it, even when he _was_ living at home – he was a whiz at escaping and probably had six or seven other secret exits in his own room alone.

"Rrggh!!!" Eddy yanked at the chains in useless fury. What kind of heartless jerk would rat out his own brother?! Selfish jerk – if Eddy had been the older one, he'd NEVER have…

Well…okay, maybe he would. In fact, despite the situation, he found himself grudgingly admiring his brother yet again. The guy always knew how to work things to his own advantage.

It was really too bad Eddy didn't have a younger brother of his own.

Grumbling to himself, he backed up the passageway. Forget Double-D, and forget the scams – admiration or no, the _very_ first thing he was going to do when he finally escaped was break into his brother's room and flush his stinking camel down the toilet.

*****

"Get OUT!!!"

Edd backed out the front door. "Nazz, please! I apologize!" He winced as a couch cushion bounced off his head. "Stop, wait! I-I promise to refrain from further comment if only you'd give me another chance!"

Nazz stalked out with eyes flashing furiously. "I missed my favorite show because of you! How am I going to know what's going on next week?" Waving her arms, she continued her rant. "Why couldn't you just be quiet? Why do you have to be SUCH a do – " She caught herself as Edd looked down dejectedly. "No ... I'm sorry, Double-D, you're not – I didn't mean…" She rubbed her temples and sighed. "Look, just – just go, okay? I'll see you later…" Muttering to herself, she walked back inside and slammed the door.

Edd felt a little dizzy as the guilt washed over him in waves. When would he learn to keep his opinions to himself? Nazz had every right to be irate.

Well, there was nothing more he could do now; he'd just have to attempt another apology after Nazz had calmed down sufficiently. He shook his head sadly and turned to go.

Kevin was standing directly behind him.

"Oh!" Edd startled back. "H-hello, Kevin!" Kevin crossed his arms and glared at him. "Is there – is there something I can do for you today?"

"Well, gee, you can start by telling me what you did to tick Nazz off so much, _dork_."

Edd shrugged nervously. "It was a rather inexcusable gaffe on my part, I'm afraid. You see, Nazz had been gracious enough to invite me in to watch television with her, and I – "

"Hold on. You expect me to believe that _Nazz_ invited _you_ into her house?" Kevin snorted. "Right. What kind of scam are you trying to pull, Double-Dweeb?" He looked around suspiciously, probably wondering where Eddy was.

"U-unlikely as it sounds, Kevin, that's exactly what occurred. She apparently felt – "

"You. In Nazz's house. Invited." Kevin's eyes narrowed as he mulled this over.

Edd was sure he didn't want to be around for whatever conclusion Kevin was going to make. "Yes, well, one never knows when events will take a turn for the unexpected, eh Kevin? I-I really must be going now, I have a significant number of chores to which I should attend before – "

Too late. Kevin refocused on him. Edd calculated the likely differential between Kevin's speed and his own, and realized he should have started running several days ago.

"Awesome."

"Kevin, wait, I didn't – " Edd paused mid-cower. "E-excuse me?"

"You were in Nazz's house?" Kevin was looking at him with…awe? Admiration? No, more likely he was considering how he could profit from this. "Dude, how'd you get her to let you in?"

"You mean she's never invited you – " Kevin's clenching fists suggested this was an unwise line of questioning. "Um, w-well, I didn't 'get' her to let me in so much as she did so of her own volition."

Kevin's scowl returned. "And…? _Why_ would she 'do so of her own'…whatever?"

Edd looked down sheepishly. "I believe it was pity, Kevin – she appeared to feel sorry for me, as I'm on my own today while Ed and Eddy remain grounded."

"What? Yeah, right – no one's gonna feel bad about those dorks not being around!" He advanced, fist raised. "Look, are you gonna tell me the truth right now, or do I have to – " Kevin's face suddenly took on a distressingly cunning look, Edd noted as he peered out from between shaking fingers. "I mean…uh…I'll be right back!" As he ran off towards his house he called over his shoulder, "And if you go anywhere before I get back, you'll be _so_ sorry…"

Edd gulped, wondering what Kevin had in store for him. This day could certainly be proceeding more favorably.

Kevin returned several minutes later, fidgeting with his shirt. "Hey, Double-D! What's up, compadre?"

Edd stared, then buried his face in his hands. "Give me strength." Never had one of their past schemes come back to haunt him in quite so unsettling a manner. In place of his normal clothes, Kevin now had on a red t-shirt, blue shorts…and a black stocking cap.

Taking a moment to collect himself, Edd looked back up. "Welcome back, Kevin, you certainly are looking…familiar…"

"Yeah, well, I thought it was time I ditched that old outfit of mine for something more dor – cooler." He slung an arm around Edd's shoulders. "So hey, why don't you hang with me for a while?"

Did he have a choice? Edd closed his eyes briefly. "Why not?"

"Great!" Kevin's hat slid down over his face and he pushed it back up. "I knew you were cooler than those other two losers you hang out with."

Edd frowned. "Now see here, Kevin – Ed and Eddy may not be the most socially acceptable of fellows in the traditional sense of things, but they're my best – "

"Yeah, sure, shut up, will ya?" The arm around Edd's shoulders tightened in a most unfriendly manner. "Now listen, _pal_ – we're buds, right? Look, I've even got a book – you can borrow it if you want!" Kevin pulled a bicycle maintenance brochure out of his pocket and waved it in Edd's face. "'Cause that's what friends do, don't they? They share stuff!"

Gee, where _ever_ could Kevin be going with this? "Kevin, I truly don't have any intelligence for you regarding Nazz or how you might win entrance to her home." He ducked out of his grasp. "I'm sorry, but – "

"No problem, amigo! Hey, maybe you'd like a jawbreaker? I've got lots back in my garage – whaddya say?"

"Thank you, Kevin, but I've completely lost my appetite."

"Oh, hey, I understand!" Kevin looked around. "I know! Let's go over to the junkyard and, uh, build stuff! You like that, don't you?" He smiled, but the contempt on his face was clear. "Could you show me how to, um, hook up a stereo to my bike?"

"Well ... " Edd scratched his chin, intrigued despite himself. "The first thing you'd require is some sort of power supply, of course; perhaps you could attach a generator to – " He caught himself, and raised an eyebrow. "To the salmon circling the Tupperware in your cabbage patch."

"Uh-huh, great. You're such a genius!" Kevin didn't even try to look away as he rolled his eyes. "Is that why Nazz let you in? Do you think she's into smart guys? Why don't you show me how to act like that, pal?"

"Kevin, I already told you, Nazz's invitation was based purely on a well-intended sense of sympathy! I don't think – "

"Did you get to see her room? What's it like?"

"Kevin, you're not listening! My visit was of such brief duration that I never even saw the kitchen, let alone Nazz's sanctum sanctorum!"

"Do you think she'd like me better if I built her something?"

"For the last time, Kevin – I HAVE NO INFORMATION FOR YOU! _NONE_! Not a JOT! Not a TITTLE! Not an _IOTA_!" To his utter horror Edd discovered he'd grabbed Kevin by the shirt and was shaking him vigorously. He gasped and let go as if burned.

Kevin slowly pushed his hat back out of his eyes. "So you're not gonna tell me anything."

"Uhh…p-please believe me, Kevin, I quite simply have nothing that you would find of value - h-here, let me help you with that…" he uneasily smoothed Kevin's shirt back into place.

Kevin knocked his hands away. "Isn't this the part where you should be running?"

Edd swallowed. "Y-yes, that would be the conventional course of action, wouldn't it?" His weak smile was met with a deepening glare. "Although I don't suppose you'd be willing to consider an alternate – " He looked just beyond Kevin. "Oh, hello Nazz!"

"Nazz?" Kevin tore off his hat and dove into a nearby bush. "Nazz! I-I was only dressed like Double-Dweeb as a joke! You gotta believe..." He trailed off as he peered out at a totally Nazz-free landscape. His gaze turned back towards Edd, already scrambling away at top speed. "_Sooo_ sorry..."

Edd gamely kept going, but he could hear Kevin coming up fast behind him. Yes, he definitely should have started running long ago.


	8. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Park

(A/N: In case you were wondering, this isn't the last chapter. I've still got 2 more planned (well, one and an epilogue) – what can I say, it's just not 'finished' at the end of this chapter – and I must admit I've had a lot of fun writing this, I suppose I'm reluctant to move on =)

And Wizzard – as for your 'amazing climax': well, I just conferred with Double-D about that as I'd had this great idea, but he simply refuses to put on the robot suit, or shoot any bazookas, or even jump through one measly Flaming Hoop of Death! He was all, "blah blah blah, Wizzard probably meant 'amazing' within the _context_ of the story…" *sigh* So much for my 'Eds/Terminator 2/Cirque du Soleil' crossover extravaganza ending…

Ah well, I'll keep at it ...

-ZephyrSamba)

*****

Ed double-checked his supplies.

Toilet seat: check! His empty room left him with little to arm himself with against the deadly Spaghetti Men, but the toilet seat came off easily enough, and it just might come in handy.

Meatballs: check! He'd been saving them in his jacket pocket for days now, planning on making his special Meatball Bubblegum when they got gooey enough. Meatballs were the Spaghetti Men's natural weakness, though; his bubblegum would just have to wait.

Well, there was nothing else to prepare; it was time to go avenge Sarah. Ed sat down and used his finger to draw on the dusty floor, trying to write out a smart plan like Double-D would do if he were there.

A few moments later he beamed proudly down at the monster he'd drawn, before remembering his original intent. This wasn't getting him anywhere. Shrugging, he stood, took careful aim at his wall, and backed up for a running start.

"Coming through!" He hit at top speed and crashed through to the dirt on the other side. Wiggling up to ground level, he pulled himself to his feet. For a moment he felt just like a creature from 'Zombie Night Fever: The Musical,' and he sploomped around with delight. Just as he was about to start whistling the big dance number, however, the alarm bells started clanging in his head – he was still grounded! If Sarah caught him now, he would be –

No, Sarah couldn't catch him now.

Not now, not ever again.

Ed was about to start sniffling again, but got distracted as he heard someone else sobbing nearby.

"Hello?" He crept towards the sound, toilet seat held up defensively. As he rounded the corner of his house, he came upon…

"Jimmy?" Ed squinted at the sniffling boy; something wasn't quite right. Jimmy's eyes were redder than usual, and he seemed…hollow, like he was missing something.

"You're my only friend now, Mr. Cuddles!" Jimmy stroked the teddy bear as he rocked back and forth. "Now that Sarah…" trailing off, he buried his face in the bear and whimpered.

How could he know about Sarah already? With a shock, Ed finally realized what was going on: Jimmy must be a spaghetti slave, too! In fact – Ed gasped in horror – it must have been Jimmy who had turned Sarah over to the Spaghetti Side in the first place! His headgear was obviously some sort of intergalactic telephone – Ed was surprised he hadn't noticed that before. Why, with Jimmy on their side, those Spaghetti Men probably thought they'd have no trouble taking over the cul-de-sac!

Well, they hadn't counted on Ed! He leapt in front of Jimmy. "Vile pasta fiend!"

"Ed!" Jimmy shrunk nervously away – he must know that Ed knew that he knew that Ed…

Uh, what was he doing? Ed smacked himself on the head with the toilet seat to kick-start his brain. Oh yeah – Jimmy, bad! Ed slammed the seat down over Jimmy, pinning his arms to the side.

Eyes ringed, Jimmy looked down. "Is this from _your_ bathroom, Ed?" He started to shake and turn green – he must be about to mutate!

"Do not try to escape, creature from the pasta dimension!" Ed grabbed 'Mr. Cuddles' and swallowed him whole to show Jimmy he meant business. "What have you done with Sarah?"

"Sarah!" Jimmy's eyes started to water again. "Ed, it was horrible! She's been…grounded!" He did a really good job of looking upset, but he couldn't fool Ed. "And it was all Double-D's fault!"

"Oh no! Double-D is a spaghetti slave, too?" Ed was briefly appalled, but then he realized that it just couldn't be true. Spaghetti slaves were experts at blending into the crowd, and Double-D, with his funny way of talking and those cool but weird things he was always making, well, didn't really pass as human. No, he might be a lizard-man, or even some mad scientist bent on turning everyone into waffles, but Ed was pretty sure he wasn't a brainwashed pasta zombie.

Glaring at Jimmy, Ed pulled an oozing meatball out of his pocket. "No more lies, minion of the noodleworld!" He shoved it up to Jimmy's face. "Tell me what happened to Sarah or face the terrible meatballs of truth!"

"Aaaah! Sarah! Help!!" The nerve of Jimmy, calling out Sarah's name after what he'd done! Ed had had enough. Jamming the meatball up Jimmy's nose, he rooted through his pockets for more. Those Spaghetti People needed to be taught a lesson.

*****

Edd looked down ... no, up ... no, _down_ ... at the ground beneath him. Even stretching as far as he could, he couldn't quite reach it. Nor did he have the abdominal strength necessary to reach up and untie his feet from the monkey bars.

"Curse my honest nature," he sighed. Well, lesson learned – next time Kevin wanted information, he'd make it up if he had to. That, or start running a whole lot sooner. For now, though, there was still the matter of getting down. If only Ed and Eddy were around they could –

Well, they probably couldn't have helped; most likely they'd be dangling by his side anyway. Still, it'd be nice to have the company.

Jonny's distinctive laugh pulled Edd out of his reverie. "28…29…30! Ready or not, Plank, here I come!"

"Jonny!" Finally, some assistance! "Excuse me, Jonny – I was wondering if you could spare a moment of your time to – "

"Oh, hiya, Double-D!" Jonny looked up and waved as he ran past. "Just a minute – me and Plank are playing hide-n-seek!"

"Um…" Edd looked over at Plank, lying facedown near where Jonny had been counting. Should he say something? No, that might ruin their game. He would wait – after all, he certainly wasn't going anywhere.

Five minutes passed. All the blood was running into his head. To take his mind off the sensation, Edd counted the number of times Jonny checked under the same rock. He was up to 14 already.

Ten minutes passed. Jonny checked his pockets and the soles of his shoes before returning to examine the rock for the 23rd time.

Fifteen minutes passed. Jonny hadn't moved in the last five minutes, other than to scratch his head. Edd pulled on his hat and swung in exasperation. "Jonny, OPEN your EYES, man! For crying out loud, you're STANDING on him!!!"

"I am?" Jonny jumped back and looked down. "Nah, that's just an old hunk of wood, Double-D." He chuckled. "Good one, though - you had me scared for a minute!"

The force of Edd's frustrated swinging finally became too much for knots that had kept him suspended aloft, and he fell to the ground with a crash. After a quiet moment of recuperation he slowly picked himself up and limped over. Sighing, he reached down and turned the board face-up.

"Hey! It really IS you, Plank!" Jonny scooped his friend off the ground and held him out at arm's length. "That was a great board impersonation, you sneaky rascal!" He hugged Plank as Edd looked on. "Thanks, Double-D, I never woulda found him without you!"

"Oh…you're welcome, Jonny." Jonny and Plank's happy reunion left Edd feeling a little…well, he was probably just tired. After all, it had been an exceptionally long day. He sat down on the ground and rested his chin in his hands.

Jonny frowned. "What's the matter, Double-D? You don't look too – what's that, Plank?" He held Plank up to his ear. "Really? You think so?" Jonny looked back and forth between Plank and Edd, swiping a toe across the ground. "Hey, Plank, I know! Double-D can hang out with _us_!"

Oh no, not more charity. "Thank you, Jonny, that's very kind of you to offer, but it's truly not necessary – I'm doing just fine on my own." He stood up. "In fact – "

"Plank says denial ain't just a river in Egypt, Double-D!" Jonny scratched his head and looked at the board. "I don't get it, Plank…" He listened for a moment. "Oh!" He nodded sagely, then gave an appreciative laugh. "That's a good one, buddy!"

Edd sighed. "Yes, well, Plank certainly has a way with…er…classic psychological humor, Jonny. Now, if you don't mind, I just want – "

"Oh, come on, Double-D, it'll be fun! And later we can make wheat germ smoothies!"

Suddenly Edd felt very tired indeed. Still, Jonny didn't look like he would give up easily. "Very well, Jonny, if you and Plank don't mind, perhaps I will join you for a little while…"

"Woo-hoo! Look, Plank, we've got a new playmate!" Jonny bounced in place, beaming brightly at Edd.

After a few minutes of this, Edd coughed uncomfortably. "Um, Jonny? Is there a game you'd like to play or – "

"Hey Double-D, why's the sky blue?"

Ah, familiar territory! Edd relaxed and even smiled a little. "Well, Jonny, when the light from the – "

"Hey Double-D, why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?"

"Uh, there's a solvent that…er…didn't you want to know about the – "

"Hey Double-D, how come there's no gravity in my closet?"

"Blue…sky…" Edd blinked. "No gravity in your – "

"Hey, Double-D, what's under your hat?"

"Actually, Jonny, my – " Edd gasped and pulled reflexively down on his hat. "Jonny! I would _never_ ask after any of _your_ most closely-guarded secrets, and I would appreciate – "

Jonny's laugh cut him off. "Oh, me and Plank don't have any secrets, do we, buddy?" He nudged Plank. "In fact, you wanna know something?" He looked around, then leaned in conspiratorially. "Plank's got a crush on someone!"

Edd looked skyward. "Of course he does..." More loudly, he said, "And just who is the lucky recipient of Plank's affections?"

"Well…" Jonny glanced at Plank before continuing. "You know the third rail from the end of Rolf's fence?" He giggled. "Plank says she's got a grain that just won't quit!"

For once, Edd found himself truly speechless. "W-well, that's...uh..."

"Only thing is, she won't give Plank the time of day." He gave Plank a comforting squeeze. "I keep telling you, buddy, she's too stiff for ya…yeah, I know, love is blind, huh?" Suddenly his eyes lit up. "Hey! Maybe Double-D can help, Plank! He's good at figuring stuff out!"

"W-well to be honest, Jonny, this really isn't my – "

"Yeah, you're probably right, buddy, I guess he isn't exactly the smoothest guy on block…you probably would be better off asking someone else. Oh well!"

Edd crossed his arms and turned away. "I _could_ help, you know…some people consider me – oof!" Suddenly he went sprawling as Plank slammed into his back.

"TAG! You're it!" Laughing wildly, Jonny ran across the playground with Plank.

"Jonny, please! You really should warn people before you do that!" Edd picked himself up, rubbing his smarting shoulder.

"Yee-haw! Can't catch us!" Jonny ran past, stretching out so that Plank passed within inches of Edd's reach. Seeing that Edd made no attempt to chase after them, he ran past again, closer this time. Still no reaction. Jonny stopped and scratched his head. "Didn't anybody ever teach you how to play tag, Double-D?"

Just a little closer…as Plank finally came within reach, Edd lunged out to tag him. "Ha – oh!" Jonny pulled Plank out of the way at the last minute and Edd, overextending himself, fell flat on his face.

"I guess me and Plank are just too smart for ya, huh Double-D!" Jonny laughed. "Don't feel bad, we play this all the time! You wanna do something else?" He scampered over to the merry-go-round. "I know! Let's spin around 'til we throw up!"

"Curse hyperactive disorder." Edd looked over at Jonny. "I'm sorry, Jonny, but recreational regurgitation really isn't high on my list of all-time most favored past-times. In fact, I really should be going…"

"Aww, don't go, Double-D! We still haven't talked to the trees, or dug for buried gum wrappers, or pet the squirrels or – "

Enough was enough. "Jonny, I truly am ready to go – "

" – or found any onions or made shoes for the sparrows or – "

"Jonny! Calm down, lad! You're getting completely – "

" – or named the clouds or tasted the swings – "

"AAAAIIGH!!!!" Hands up to his ears, Edd leapt to his feet and tore, shrieking, out of the park.

" – or – " Jonny frowned as he watched Edd race away. He scratched his head. "Gee, I guess you were right, Plank – Double-D really is a little weird without Ed and Eddy around, isn't he?" Shrugging, he laughed. "Oh well, we tried! Come on, buddy, let's go find some bumblebees to paint!"

"…"

"Oh, all right, we can go visit your girlfriend first. Boy, Plank, have you got a lot to learn about playing hard to get!" Jonny poked his friend. "Whaddya mean, _I'm_ not the smoothest guy on the block, either? Haven't you seen the way that street sign down on the corner looks at me when we go by?" He frowned. "No, I _don't _think she's just using me to get to you! Gee, Plank – " still arguing, Jonny and Plank headed off towards Rolf's.


	9. Fellowships of the CulDeSac

Eddy could hear the padlock clicking back into place as soon as the door closed. He grumbled at the dinner his mom had just delivered.

"This stinks." Resting his chin on one hand, he idly pushed mashed potatoes around his plate. "I'm never getting out of here."

"Oh, I wouldn't say that, Eddy!"

Eddy glanced up, but of course nobody was there. He slowly returned to his meal.

"Um, Eddy?"

Great, now he was hearing voices. It almost sounded like Double-D, too. Wouldn't that be just his luck – stuck listening to the little yapper for the rest of the week, no way to shut him up or anything.

"Eddy, look at – oh, right!" Eddy continued to stare at his food, but he could've sworn he heard somebody…drinking something? He smirked. Probably be wearing his underwear as a hat soon.

"There, much better! Hi, Eddy!"

Something tugged at his sleeve, causing Eddy to glance up involuntarily. He coughed out a mouthful of pork chop.

"Double-D!" He poked his friend. "It's really you! I'm _free!_ Man, I could almost hug you!" With a shock, he realized he nearly _was_ about to hug Double-D. Catching himself in time, he grabbed him by the shoulders instead. "And just what the heck took you so long, huh?" He shook him a little, for good measure.

"W-well, Eddy, it's been quite a day! You wouldn't believe the indignities I've endured at the hands of our fellow neighborhood inhabitants, it was – "

"Oh, I see!" This time he meant it when he shook him. "I've been cooped up in here like some animal, while you've been out livin' it up with the rest of those yahoos, eh?"

"Eddy, please! I assure you, I was hardly 'living it up'! My efforts were categorically ineffective in – oof!" Edd fell to the floor as Eddy released him.

"Yeah, whatever," Eddy grumbled. "At least you're here now, _finally._ So tell me, Houdini," he gestured towards the boarded-up window and sealed-off air vent, "how're you gonna get us out of here? Or did you just drop by to keep me company?"

"It's all been accounted for, Eddy!" Edd proudly produced a crowbar from his pocket. "That window appears to be our best option – I believe we can simply pry off those boards and be well on our way before anyone even realizes you're gone." He trotted over and applied the crowbar. "Nnngh! – yes, in just a matter of moments we'll both be – rrrgh – free as the proverbial bird! Just a – nnngh! – just a little more…"

Eddy rolled his eyes as Edd put both feet on the wall and pulled at the crowbar with all his might, only to end up in a heap on the ground. "Outta the way, Orville, lemme show you how it's done!" He spat on his hands and reached for the crowbar.

Suddenly he paused. "And you're just gonna help me escape, huh? Just like that, no complaints about me disobeying my folks?" He looked back over his shoulder at Edd. "Nothing to say about that 'parental ring' thing?"

Edd smiled weakly. "What, can't I initiate a somewhat out-of-character 'adventure' of my own every now and again?"

"No, Sock-head, I don't think you can." Eddy's eyes narrowed. "Just what are you up to?"

Edd held his gaze for a moment, then dropped his eyes with a shrug. He concentrated on plucking Chunky Puff crumbs out of the rug fibers. "Well, Eddy," he sighed, not looking up, "as I'd started to explain, this has been a rather disheartening day for me. I was singularly unsuccessful in my attempts at establishing a stronger bond with any of our residential peers."

Eddy rolled his eyes. "Big surprise, if you talked to 'em like that." Expecting another endless, hard-to-follow explanation, he glanced around for something more entertaining. His gaze fell on his half-eaten dinner, and he grinned mischievously back at Edd.

"Y-yes, well, be that as it may," Edd continued, still staring at the floor. "Even with the rest of the cul-de-sac around, I finally came to the realization that I was feeling - well - " He tried a different approach. "You know what things are like around here – Jonny has Plank…Sarah and Jimmy have each other…Rolf has, well, his animals and his family…even the Kankers have each other. Forgive the sentimentality, but…I missed myfriends." He pushed the crumbs into a pile. "So if I have to bend a few rules to help the two of you for the time being…well…I suppose I can live with that."

Eddy blinked. "Uh ... huh." He guiltily dropped the heaping spoonful of mashed potatoes he'd just scooped up. "That's really…" He coughed. "... I mean, you know - it's really ... all right, look, we oughta get back to work or we'll never be out of here." Turning, he focused on the prying the boards off the window in uncharacteristically pensive silence. "So, uh…so…So how'd you get in here in the first place, Sock-head? This room's locked down tighter than Fort Knox!"

Edd looked up at Eddy, now working with new intensity on the window. He smiled. "Truth be told, I simply followed your mother in when she opened the door – it was simplicity itself what with my invisibility po – " he gasped. "T-that is, I - uh…I-I took advantage of a phenomenon commonly referred to in neuropsychological circles as the 'cognitive blind spot,' in order to generate an SEP field that obscured…"

Eddy's eyes glazed over. Jeeze, you'd think Double-D was trying to bore him into not listening. Still – much as he hated to admit it – after three days alone Sock-head's familiar rambling was almost welcome. Almost. Eddy grinned despite himself.

He'd let him finish, just this once.

*****

"Really, Eddy, I'm not too sure about this abrupt return to status quo." Edd wrung his hands as he followed Eddy. "I had hoped we could spend a few moments strategizing first – after all, it _was_ our impromptu efforts at effecting Ed's escape that landed us in this predicament in the first place!"

Eddy strode onwards. "Forget it, Sock-head, we don't have time! Just - think fast, will ya? You'll come up with something good this time!"

"But Eddy, it would only take – "

"It'll only take forever if you don't can it!" Eddy rolled his eyes. "I already let you explain that 'neur-o-psychological' thing of yours for a whole half hour, what more do you want?! Anyway, just think of poor Ed!" He glanced back and grinned. "Stuck in that stinky ol' basement all alone, no fresh air, nothing to do – think what that must be doing to that little brain of his!"

Edd sighed. "I suppose you're right, Eddy, let's – " Suddenly, he was interrupted by a shrill squeal. "Good heavens! Jonny's not taken to tickling Rolf's livestock again, has he?"

"Nah, that sounded like it was coming from Ed's!" Eddy started running. "Let's go, Andretti, get the lead out!"

At Ed's house they followed the shrieks to the backyard. Eddy ground to a halt and suppressed a snicker as he took in the scene before him.

"Surrender, pasta fiend!" Ed perched atop Jimmy's stomach and waved a fistful of something slimy and dripping under his nose. "Reveal the secret plans of your dark spaghetti masters, or face the wrath of the angry meatball!"

Jimmy, arms pinned to his side by a mottled-grey toilet seat, tried once more to call out for help through a mouthful of meatballs nearly as green as he was.

"Oh, this is so very wrong!" Horrified, Edd rushed forward. "Ed, stop, you're – "

"Double-D!" Ed launched himself at Edd, bringing him down in ecstatic tackle. His exuberance suddenly vanished, however, and he held Edd out at arm's length.

"Why, h-hello, Ed!" Edd grinned nervously, dangling in Ed's grasp. "I certainly wasn't expecting to see you outside…um, Ed?"

Ed sniffed him suspiciously. "Hmm…" Prying Edd's mouth open, he stuck his head inside for a quick look. "Nope, no spaghetti sauce!" Finally satisfied, he hugged him tightly. "It is really you, Double-D! I am so relieved!"

Edd frantically wiped Ed-germs out of his mouth. "Of course it's me, Ed, whom did you think it was?"

Ed dropped his friend and turned to glare at Jimmy. "This traitor to his planet said that you were a Spaghetti Man just like him!" He caught Edd in a headlock and noogied him. "But do not worry, Double-D, I know you are just a lizard!"

Eddy snickered. "I dunno, Ed, those arms of his might be made of spaghetti..."

Ed gasped. "Eddy!" He galloped over and engulfed Eddy in a bear hug. "This is just like 'The Return of the Three Muskrat Ears!'"

Edd giggled. "I believe you mean 'Three Musketeers,' Ed."

"That's just what the doctor ordered, Double-D!" He picked Edd back up and hugged both friends even tighter. "All for one, and one for the Gipper!"

"All right already, this ain't a greeting card commercial!" Eddy squirmed out of Ed's grasp. "Quit wastin' time, it'll be dark in a few hours! We've gotta get to work if we wanna make up all that cash we missed out on this week!"

"What?" Edd looked dismayed. "Eddy, I didn't free you just so you could rope Ed and myself back into one of your scams so soon!"

"I know!" Eddy grinned and ruffled Edd's hat. "That's just why you need me, buddy – you've still got so much to learn!"

"But Eddy, it's been such a long day already, couldn't we just enjoy – no, wait!" Edd tried to pull away as Eddy grabbed him out of Ed's arms, but he soon found himself being dragged along once more. "Stop! What about Jimmy?"

"Yeah? What about him, Sock-head?"

"Eddy, we can't just leave – " As Edd gestured back towards Jimmy, he noticed for the first time the pink flecks of polish still clinging to his nails. Blinking, he stared at his fingernails for a moment, then looked back up at Jimmy.

Well, it wasn't as though he were actually _injured_. And he'd surely extricate himself from that toilet seat on his own, eventually.

Edd dropped his hand back to his side. "Well, as you were saying, Eddy, it _will_ be dark soon." He tugged his shirt free of Eddy's grip and calmly strolled back towards the street. "I hope you have a particularly quick-to-execute scam in mind?"

For once, his not-so-clear conscience kept its mouth shut.


	10. Chickens Run

"I truly don't know what came over me," Edd related the day's events to Eddy as they awaited Ed's return. "But I'm afraid Nazz became quite incensed by my inquiries as regarded her television program."

"_'Inquiries_,'" Eddy snorted. He idly tossed another twig into the creek. "Just can't learn when to shut up, can ya, Double-D?" A calculating look came into his eyes. "I still can't believe Nazz let you into her house, though..."

"Y-yes, that's just what Kevin said." Edd winced. "Perhaps we could move on, I would hate to belabor the point."

"Yeah, fine, whatever." Eddy rolled his eyes, and Edd got the feeling he hadn't heard the last of the matter. "Go back to that bit about the Kankers, then!"

Edd shuddered at the reminder. "Do you really believe they're no longer in the vicinity? I fear we're taking a terrible risk in returning to this location so soon after – "

"Relax, will ya? I told you – we've _gotta_ be creek-side to do this scam! Forget about the Kankers, they're probably back home picking grass outta their teeth by now." Snickering, he added, "Did you _really _just leave 'em in that net?"

Edd cast one last nervous look around before answering. "I did indeed, Eddy." He brightened as Eddy grinned his approval. "Well, I must admit, the look on their faces was truly classic!"

"Didja hear that, girls?" May's voice jerked both Edd and Eddy to their feet. "We're classic beauties!" She rose out of a nearby bush like some inescapable shrub monster from one of Ed's science-fiction movies. Her sisters followed close behind.

"Oh dear! Oh dear oh dear _oh_ _dear!_" Edd had a hard time forming any other words as blue-white jolts of panic zinged through his brain. He had to focus intently just to gasp, "Eddy, you said they'd be long gone from here!"

"Since when am _I_ the amazing Kreskin?" The terror on Eddy's face mirrored perfectly what Edd was feeling as they crowded even closer to one another. "_You're_ supposed to be the smart one, remember? Why'd you let me talk us into coming down here?" He cast frantically around for an escape route, but the Kankers were closing in. "Oh man, I knew things were going too well!"

The Kankers giggled ominously. "What's the matter, pipsqueak? You're not _scared_, are ya?"

"Scared?" Eddy stiffened and turned to face them. "Get real, I ain't scared of a few _girly_-gi – " May faked a lunge towards him, and he nearly fell over himself as he scrambled to duck behind Edd.

"Ooh, he's such a little coward!" Lee shivered with delight. "Relax, squirt, we ain't here for you – we just want to thank your little pal there for his 'present'." Her lip curled as she snarled that last word. "Hand him over and we might even let ya go!"

Edd yelped in alarm as he felt a sudden pressure on his back. "Eddy, no!" He spun around to face Eddy, but his friend, seemingly mesmerized by fear, continued to push him towards the Kankers. "Snap out of it, Eddy! I can't – they're going to – _EDDY_!!"

Eddy slowed and eventually stopped, blinking back to awareness. He looked away from Edd's panicked, pleading eyes as he muttered, "What do you want from me, Double-D, it's not like I could – "

Suddenly he paused. Eyebrows raised, he looked back up at Edd and called over to the Kankers, "You know what? You ain't getting Double-D! You _don't_ scare me – why don't you go home and play with your dolls, you loud-mouthed, pea-brained, circus freak rejects!"

What in heaven's name was he _thinking_? "Eddy," Edd hissed, "please don't take this as ingratitude, but _have you gone mad?? _Inciting their ire can only – "

"Shut up and think, you idiot! What were we waiting here for?"

Edd thought. "But Ed's not going to be able to – " His eyes widened as the full implication of Eddy's words sunk in.

Eddy nodded. "Just think of something to get us past them, will ya? If we can lead 'em to Ed, we're home free!" Eddy looked nervously back at the Kankers as he added, "And you'd _better_ remember this the next time you feel like complaining at me about anything!"

The Kankers had recovered from their shock and were now grinning wickedly. "Well, well, looks like it's Two-For-One Day, girls."

Edd's mind raced; what could he possibly say to give them pause? "Y-you know, ladies, I fear this whole situation has come about through a terrible misunderstanding ... I assure you, the incident from our previous encounter was meant solely in the spirit of good-natured fun – a playful gesture of affection, if-if you will?" He lost his battle to remain calm as all three girls advanced. "Please! It was just a joke!"

May prepared to spring. "Oh, we love jokes!"

"Yeah," Lee agreed. "Ever hear this one? Why'd the runts cross the road?"

Edd glanced at Eddy, who shrugged. "U-uh, I'm not sure, why did the – "

"They didn't." The light flashed off Lee's silver tooth as she grinned. "Their girlfriends beat the living daylights out of them before they got the chance." All three girls giggled.

"Ah, I s-s-see." He attempted a laugh, but it came out as a choked squeak. Beside him, he could hear Eddy gurgling. "Well, you certainly have a way with…t-topical humor…"

"We're even better at physical comedy!" Marie circled around to one side. "Only, I don't think you'll be laughing very hard..."

"Great job distracting 'em, Sock-head," Eddy growled. "Maybe I should've just handed you over when I had the chance!"

"You're not exactly helping here!" Edd snapped back. He tried to quell his shaking as he addressed the Kankers once more. "Ladies, isn't there anything we could do to make amends?"

"Sure." Marie somehow cracked all her knuckles at once. "You can stand still and let us bash your cute little brains in!"

May took a step forward. "Nah, let 'em run, Marie, I just love a good chase scene!"

"P-perhaps we could all calm down and discuss alternate – "

Lee gave an irritated grunt. "What is this, a tea party? Enough with the chit-chat – just get 'em, girls!"

It all happened too quickly. One minute, he and Eddy were still out of reach; the next, Marie had him in a headlock while May had Eddy pinned to the ground. Edd struggled desperately, but Marie refused to let go.

Lee loomed over him. "Any last requests?"

"I, uh – " From this close, Edd could actually see Lee's tiny eyes glaring out from beneath her tangled nest of hair. Their cold, dead gaze reminded him of a documentary he'd once seen on piranha. "I-I, I don't – I can't think of…" Images of skeletonized cows filled his head, and he had to look away. "Couldn't we just – "

Suddenly, a snippet of memory from earlier in the day floated up through his terror-fogged mind, and he seized onto it like a lifeline. He forced himself to look at Lee once again. "Uh, actually, I do have a…last request…as a matter of f-fact." It was a frail hope at best, but what else did they have? "Before you…uh…b-bash our brains in," he suppressed a shudder, "could you do me the favor of answering one simple question? It's something that's been puzzling me for quite some time."

Marie pinched his cheek. "Aww, brainy to the last! I'm almost sorry we gotta thrash ya!"

"Can it, Marie, we ain't running a dating service here!" Lee turned back to Edd. "All right, runt, so what's your question? Maybe we'll answer, maybe we won't!"

"W-well, ladies," Edd noticed that Eddy was staring at him incredulously. "My question, that I'm hoping you'll be able to answer for me, is this:" He crossed his fingers and hoped that he wasn't the only one who found Jonny to be thoroughly baffling at times. "Why ... doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?"

Silence. Edd opened one cautious eye. Brows furrowed, the Kankers were looking at each other in puzzlement.

"Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?" May scratched her head, stumped. She didn't even notice when Eddy slithered out from under her.

Marie distractedly released him, deep in concentration. "Maybe it's because – Hey! What kind of stupid trick do you think you're pulling?" Her screech of fury brought her sisters back to the present. "They're getting away!"

Edd tore off behind Eddy, Kankers snapping at his heels. Every thought focused on escape, he barely even noticed the burning in his lungs as his fear drove him onwards. There – not too far away – he saw what he'd been afraid to even hope for until now: Ed was trudging down the path, straining under the weight of his burden. If they could just make it a little farther…

He put his head down and redoubled his efforts. Just a few more steps – a merest fraction of a kilometer, an infinitesimally small unit of distance, hardly even –

Eddy's voice suddenly broke in on his thoughts. "NOW, Ed!"

"Hello Eddy! I am a – "

"ED!! Drop it! Drop the house NOW!!!"

"At your service with a smile!" Edd scrambled out of the way and all three girls shrieked as Ed's house landed on them with a crash. As the dust settled, Ed wiped his hands together and laughed. "Ding dong, the witch is dead!"

Edd managed a shaky grin. "Very apropos, Ed!"

"Like a life jacket, Double-D?"

"Uh, s-sure Ed." Edd leaned against the house and sank to the ground, his heart still hammering in his ears. "Oh, Eddy! I never thought we'd make it out of that in one piece – or even two or three pieces!"

"Yeah, and we wouldn't have if it weren't for _my_ idea for Ed's Home Movers!" Eddy strutted over, grinning ear-to-ear. "If Ed hadn't been toting his house down here to give the kids a taste of what they're missing, you'd be just a messy splotch on the ground by now!"

"Thank you for that mental image, Eddy, I certainly wasn't traumatized enough quite yet." Edd rubbed his temples and shut his eyes. "Well, regardless, I'm grateful to you both for your timely intervention, I never could have eluded their wrath on my own."

"Darn right, Sock-head, and don't you forget it!"

A thought came to Edd, and he frowned. "But you do realize, don't you, that the Kankers will undoubtedly seek to exact vengeance on all three of us now? I'm afraid you've both put yourselves in quite a precarious position for my sake."

"Yeah, well, what were we supposed to do, just leave you to 'em?" Eddy raised an eyebrow. "You really thought I was gonna, didn't you?"

Edd coughed uneasily. "Uh, w-well, I – " He paused, brow furrowed. "Um, actually I believe you _were_, Eddy."

"Eh, heh." Now it was Eddy's turn to look uncomfortable. "Nah, would I do that?" Eddy grinned. "Where am I supposed to get a new egg-head around here if they crack yours, eh? If those Kankers show their ugly faces around us again, we'll just get Ed to drop an even _bigger_ house on 'em! We ain't scared of them – are we, Ed?"

"We are absolutely terrified, Eddy!" Ed chuckled as he tried to peer under the house. "I think I see a foot, guys!"

"Shut up, Ed." Eddy started to walk off, but then he paused. "So, uh, Double-D…" He looked around awkwardly. "Why _doesn't_…uh…"

"Ordinary household glue is made with a quick-drying solvent that prevents it from adhering to anything – it's not until after it's out of the bottle and the solvent evaporates that it acquires its adhesive properties."

"Oh." Eddy nodded. "Yeah, I knew that." He glared at Edd, daring him to contradict him.

"Of course, Eddy." Edd smiled. "I merely sought to remind you."

Eddy narrowed his eyes suspiciously, but then shrugged. "Whatever – let's just go, unless you two wanna stay here and chit-chat all day? I'm sure the Kankers will be real glad to see you waitin' around for them after they dig themselves out."

Edd shuddered. "You're right, Eddy, we'd best be – "

"ED!!"

All three Eds tensed. Edd gasped as the memory struck him. "Oh my…"

"_ED!!_" Sarah's window slid open and she glared down at the scene below her. "What did you do to the house, you idiot?"

"Sarah?" Ed looked up at his sister and jumped with glee. "Guys, it's Sarah! She was not taken by the Spaghetti Men after all!" He swept his friends up and skipped around in circles. "I am so happy I could eat a horse!"

"Sure, that's great Ed, but we oughta scram before she – "

"Sarah's back! Sarah's back! Sarah's – " Ed stopped mid-bounce. He gasped. "Guys, _Sarah's_ _back_! Sarah's back, and I am outside when I am supposed to be – "

"You're still grounded, Mister! Ohh, you're in big trouble, Ed! I'm telling Mom!"

"_Grounded_! Run away! Run away!" Ed crashed into the side of the house and fell backwards, spilling his friends to the ground. "Hey, how did my house get here?"

Eddy picked himself up and glared at Sarah. "Oh great, that brat's gonna spill the beans on us again, isn't she!"

Edd sighed. "Yes, I believe you're correct, Eddy."

"All that running around, and we're gonna end up right back where we started, aren't we?"

"That does seem to be the way things tend to go around here."

Eddy turned his glare on him. "And you'll probably end up with – what, an _hour_ of grounding, while me and Ed are stuck inside until we turn 80?" He crossed his arms and grumbled.

"Oh, no, I don't think so! Mother and Father clearly don't appreciate the importance of a sufficiently long sentence; I believe I'll impose my own this time. Why don't you come retrieve me when you and Ed are free once more – after all, it's only fair that we receive the same punishment for the same wrongdoing, wouldn't you say?" Edd stood up and dusted himself off. "All for one, and one for, uh, 'the Gipper,' correct?" He glanced at Ed and giggled. "Well, I'll see you later, fellas." With a last fond look at his friends, he turned and strolled off towards home to begin his grounding. His room probably needed dusting again by now, anyway.


End file.
